October 2009
2 posts
The Mysterious Masked Man-boy
My favorite Halloween costume is probably among the top 10 worn costumes of all time.
It was Halloween 1996. I was 18 and my friends were trying desperately to mend my recent broken heart at a Teen Night party at Caddy’s in downtown Cincinnati (greatest danceclub/bar/reception hall/illegal poker room EVER!).
Picture black and white soda shop-style tiled floor, mirrored walls, multi-colored...
Moon Over My Life
Sorry, I NEVER want to be a kid again. But I do like some of the memories…
Harvest Moon - October 6, 2006
All it takes to recapture my youth is to step into the moonlit night.
I recall sitting crossed-legged in the cool Kentucky Bluegrass on sultry summer evenings. Crickets chirped and cicadas buzzed as I would gaze up into the night sky mesmerized by the full moon.
...
September 2009
2 posts
Mind Plunging an Ice Pick in my Ear?
I do not operate with much sense period. To take one of my major, god-given, senses away, you better bring back-up.
However, since returning to school, the thought of losing my hearing shows some appeal.
Back in my Saved-By-the-Bell-era school days, we didn’t come to class toting a laptop. Nowadays? Every student squishes themselves and their mammoth laptops into shoulder-to-shoulder rows and...
“All the world is a laboratory to the inquiring mind.”
– Martin H. Fischer
June 2009
4 posts
Which Would You Pick, the Babe or the Ferrari?
Awestruck
Children are expensive. Just ask my husband. From the time I first met him, he would shake his head and twirl his hair with a perplexed expression whenever the subject of children came into the conversation.
Much to my amusement, as soon as we were married, I received an intricate financial planning spreadsheet with an updated section for ‘CHILDREN’.
Ha! My hubby...
Steamy Hot Cups of Cocoa(aine)
Belgian Hot Chocolate and Honeydew Green Tea - Theobroma Chocolate, Chadstone Shopping Centre
Nestled among the cobblestone streets of ancient Old St. Augustine, you’ll find a back alley that catches your attention because it does not follow the structured grid of the more modern streets.
On the corner of that alley sits a building, hundreds of years old. Its coquina...
Backyard Barbecued BROWNIES!
toasted marshmallow topping
Summer means long days spent on the lake. Which doesn’t leave much time for meal prep. Someone may get clever and have a prepared pasta salad to go with whatever meat finds its way to the grill. And some days begin a little cloudy, so I’ll whip together a baked mostacholi and slow-cooker meatballs to warm up our bones after being in the water all...
Torture Tactics for the Modern Woman
Some people, men especially, mistake maintenance with relaxation. Is it relaxing to take your car in for an oil change? I think not.
There is a fundamental difference between what I *do* to relax and what actually relaxes me.
Let me count the ways a woman PAYS to ‘relax’.
Thumbscrews
Pedicures: Though I often partake in this procedure, it is neither fun or relaxing....
May 2009
7 posts
I am a talented Fluffy Bunny Trainer
Ladies and gentleman, children of all ages, come one, come all to see the impossibly cute, hot-tempered, death-defying, fuzzy lop that occupies my living room.
He sits perched atop the couch, his head is cocked. His ears twitch as you approach. Then, he’s off like a prom dress, flying around the perimeter of the living room so fast you don’t see him until he’s once again perched on his resting...
Princess Pain in the A$$
Many only-children are brats because they do not have a sibling rival to balance out their youth. However, not having siblings did nothing to stop me from having my own personal rival. A rival of the worst kind: one with authority. My father was responsible for all the teasing, all the closet locking…all my childhood angst. And I still turned out to be a brat.
Most of the conflicts between...
To Those Who Claim to Never Have Loved...
You must be lying. Or, you’re doing it wrong. Please borrow my rose-colored glasses and see what I see.
I fall in love with fictional characters and inanimate objects. Yes, I’m insane. But that also makes me a hopeless romantic.
I want every story to end with love. If I see a bird, I immediately look for its mate. Pens line my drawer two by two. Friends who show up for the night single,...
La dolce vita (x4)
My motto: Dinner is just the annoying thing to get through before dessert.
It’s a well know fact that when you dine with me, I’ll be checking the dessert menu first. If there’s something that catches my eye, I’ll be eating an appetizer as my dinner…saving room for a diabetic-inducing delight.
Every year for my birthday, I scoff at dinner and instead insist on a dessert tour. We usually...
Law Offices of Bend and Snap
“Do you think she woke up one morning and said: I think I’ll go to law school today.” ~Professor Callahan, Legally Blonde
Easy answer! When I first told people I was going to law school they would cock their head, look me up and down, and say “Yeah, I can see that. Elle, right?”
Why fight this ignorant, elitist stereotype? Let’s embrace!
Elle Woods, will you be my...
Beastly Andy Boogerschutz
My first meeting with Andy was explosive. Literally. I answered a knock to my door and faced the barrel of a gun. Before I could blink I heard a ‘Snap!’ and my world exploded.
The pint-sized brat had shot me in the face with some sort of play pellet gun.
He could have shot out my eye, but as he was fond of saying, ‘So what, I didn’t’.
As my next-door neighbor, I could not escape Andy. My...
April 2009
9 posts
Jettsetting Jacka$$es
Reclining Your Airplane Seat into my Lap
Since I’m tall and have long legs, I try to secure an exit row seat where the seats in front of me do not recline. But this is not always possible.
I take it as a personal affront when the idiot in front of me reclines his airplane seat. Yeah, sure. It’s his ‘right’. But only the worst scum of the Earth violate the ‘Do unto others’ rule. And everyone...
Beware of the Home-wrecking striped Hyena, coming...
A giant manly Gorilla sits belly-up to the bar downing a Black Label Jack and Diet Coke. Perched on the stool beside him sits a beautiful, sleek Cougar, one paw of her red-polished claws cinched around the manly Gorilla’s arm.
The door to the bar opens and another man-eating female of the species saunters into the room. This striped Hyena instantly zeros in on our manly Gorilla’s expensive fur...
My Lake of Legends
There is a spot of Earth I claim for myself. It permeates some of my greatest memories.
The air is indescribable: soft, light, and warm, with bouts of refreshing cool breezes fragrant with honey suckle. The landscape is wild, lush, and boasts impossibly green rolling hills framed by smoky mountains.
Nestled in these mountains is a crystal clear lake that snakes itself through the...
14 and Never Been Kissed!
*Names changed to protect the guilty.
I was pretty happy with the timing of events thus far in my life, when I found myself sitting on my grandmother’s fancy, uncomfortable couch staring at the collection of magazines on her coffee table. One publication in particular bore a fresh-faced tween and screamed the headline “14 and Never Been Kissed!”.
OMG! I was at least...
Let Him Snort Cake
If I never achieve fame again in my life, that is just fine by me. As long as I always have this moment in which to refer.*
Before you “boo!” me, consider this: My husband is great at everything. Not just good. Great! And as much as I love him, it drives me crazy that I can never beat him at anything.
So, on our wedding day, in front of our most dearest relatives and ALL of his friends,...
Stuck in an elevator with Piers Faccini
Piers Faccini
In the corner of the elevator there would be a cushion and Piers Faccini, dressed in distressed black-washed jeans, an old 70s style button up, and a green corduroy blazer-style jacket would sit cross-legged strumming soft tunes on his guitar.
The center of the elevator would feature a plush pilates mat with an Earthy blond woman smiling heavenly…
Elizabeth Gilbert
...
March 2009
11 posts
I'll Tell You No Lies, unless...
I practice the art of deception.
I recently played poker with a couple of criminal defense lawyers and a judge. In the first half of the game they told me I’d make an atrocious lawyer. A couple hours later, as I walked away with most of their cash, each one in turn asked me “Where should I send your letter of recommendation?”. Lying, bluffing…both require skills in...
1 tag
The Cup Runneth Over
“Describe an embarrassing childhood memory.”
I was around 10 years old when I obtained my black belt in Tae Kwon Do. An impressive achievement that placed me at a higher Peking level than that of my friends engaged in the same training. Basically, I was the boss of them. Whoohoo! What 10 yr-old girl didn’t want to rule the boys that ruthlessly teased her? One time I was leading...
2 tags
Our Country Needs Faith
“…because out of the ashes of the old…there has risen a new…”. * For the first time since voting in presidential elections (I’ve been eligible twice, so you know what that means), I have absolute faith in the man we’ve chosen to lead our country. So I believe our country needs to listen. We need to trust. We need to let this man do his job and HELP him...
Monster bug. Will STOMP!
Nestled in the mountains of northern Tennessee is the most unspoiled paradise I’ve yet to find. Dale Hollow Lake. There you’ll find water so clear that it’s common to spot fish peering up at you from the depths. My family has enjoyed this beautiful spot of Earth for generations. The most cherished visitor is Aunt Karen. Her 30 years in the US Aid program keeps her in Madagascar...
1 tag
Room for 1 {+guest}
Un Vero Espress…ione D’Amore by Dr. Wendy T. L. (WTL photos)
So you’d like a studio tour of my creative space, eh? Kind of nervy to ask, don’t you think? Like asking for a VIP pass to Santa’s workshop (hard to obtain, btw). Well, you know how Samantha bewitches with a twinkle of her nose? I inspire creativity with the flick of my…ladle. My magical space is filled with natural...
Trashing my "RCIA Catholic Youth Bible"
5 years ago, I decide to sample some koolaid. I was about to marry a guy I was crazy about and even though no one would ever guess, he was a former alter boy. Logically, it follows that his mother wanted him to marry a nice Catholic girl. My mother the atheist did not subscribe to such thinking but she did come from a Catholic background. So I was salvageable. Suddenly, the RCIA Catholic...
I DID tame a wild animal
It’s 11:48 PM on a drizzly, foggy, moonless night. You’re in the living room clad in PJs and snuggled under a blanket guiltily re-reading a Crichton novel. There is a knock on your front door. Do you answer it? I wouldn’t! I’d call upon my 3ft tall, 15lb Jack ‘attack’ Rabbit to bounce (or is that pounce?) the interloper! Why a Jack Rabbit and not a...
1 tag
4 tags
The Babe in Me
My fingers have never graced the pages of a REAL Sports Illustrated magazine. However, I’m quite familiar with the swimsuit edition (is that odd?). So, go with what you know: AGE: 30 BORN: Cincinnati, Ohio DISCOVERED: I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar… (okay, that never happened. But it’s a cool story) HAPPINESS IS… Me on the water, in a bikini, reading...